Charlie implored me to pen an article on the subject of table settings, a task I find particularly distasteful, almost to the point of being gauche. I am perpetually astonished that such a topic has eluded Nicky Haslam's notorious list, not once but presumably multiple times. Nevertheless, one must keep the proverbial wolf at bay and thus undertake what is necessary. However, it's undeniable that the art of table setting has descended into sheer lunacy.

Dear reader, I have been meaning to say this for some time. The subject is a delicate one and I have been nervous. This declaration may send parts of the interiors industry into meltdown in one fell swoop. My moral compass, however, insists I put pen to paper and rally a few followers to a noble cause. The matter is, of course, the scallop.

After a galling start to November, my mind has turned to happier activities. It has to; otherwise, I’ll be a whiny, well-dressed mess on the floor. So, although we’re somewhat far from season’s greetings, don’t be fooled - they come at you thick and fast. I thought I’d settle a few points on easing into festive activities and being a gracious recipient.